Why Does My Child Behave This Way? 5 Behaviour Functions

“Why are they doing this?”—a question that comes up in difficult moments

Shouting in the shop, throwing food, hitting a sibling or suddenly refusing to get dressed can make a day feel overwhelming. In that moment, it is easy to think that your child is doing it on purpose or “just to be difficult”. Often, though, this behaviour reflects a challenge your child does not yet know how to handle in another way.

Rather than focusing only on the question: “How can I stop this?”, try asking yourself for a moment: “What is my child trying to show me right now?”. Perhaps they need your attention, want to keep playing with a favourite toy, or are struggling with a task that feels too difficult. This does not excuse hitting, throwing or shouting, but it can help you choose a calmer response.

Behaviour is also affected by what is happening around your child. They may be hungry, overtired, overwhelmed by noise, irritated by uncomfortable clothing or surprised by a change of plans. The same protest in the morning may mean something very different from a similar reaction after a full day away from home.

In this article, you will find three common reasons for challenging behaviour and two areas worth considering before drawing conclusions:

a need for connection with an adult;
a desire to get something, continue an activity or have some influence over the situation;
an attempt to avoid a difficult task;
sensory overload;
discomfort, tiredness or other unmet needs.

Instead of a label: describe what actually happened

When a situation keeps repeating, words such as “demanding”, “manipulative” or “naughty” can come out automatically. The problem is that they do not tell you what to do next time. It is more helpful to set judgement aside for a moment and look at the facts.

Instead of writing, “they behaved terribly”, you might note: “they shouted after the cartoon was switched off” or “they threw a block when I asked them to tidy up”. This kind of description does not mean accepting challenging behaviour. It does, however, give you a chance to see what triggers it and what happens immediately afterwards.

A young child is still learning to wait, lose, finish enjoyable activities and talk about strong emotions. They cannot always say: “This is too hard for me”, “I want a little longer” or “I need help”. Shouting, crying or refusing may then become their simplest way of responding.

It is worth remembering that one behaviour does not always have one meaning. Your child may protest while getting dressed because they want to continue playing, but the next day it may be because they are tired or bothered by a label in their top. This is why calm observation is more useful than a quick conclusion.

1. Your child may be seeking attention and closeness

If your child starts speaking loudly, pokes a sibling, climbs on furniture or interrupts your conversation at exactly the moment you are busy, they may be trying to reconnect with you. It does not necessarily mean they are “making a scene”. Your attention matters to your child, even if they are seeking it in an inconvenient way.

Take a look at what happens after this behaviour. Do you put down your phone, start explaining at length, look at your child or begin a conversation? If so, your child may notice a simple pattern: intense behaviour quickly gets an adult’s attention.

This does not mean you should ignore your child. It is often more helpful to combine clear boundaries with short moments of genuine attention before a problem arises. Your child also needs a simple way to ask for connection without shouting or provoking others.

You could try introducing:

5–10 minutes of play together after coming home;
a short conversation before you start cooking or working;
looking at their drawing together before you answer the phone;
a clear heads-up: “I’m finishing this message, and then I’ll spend five minutes with you.”

During a calm moment, practise short phrases too: “Play with me”, “Look”, “Come with me” or “I need help”. Do not expect your child to use them immediately in every difficult moment. First, they need to hear and practise many times that this way of communicating really works.

2. Your child may want something or want to extend an enjoyable activity

Protesting when a cartoon is switched off, playtime at the playground ends or another snack is refused is very common. Your child may be trying to regain access to something that has just ended: screen time, sweets, a toy, movement or playing with others. To an adult, “five more minutes” may sound clear, but waiting can be genuinely difficult for a younger child.

Notice what brings your child relief after they protest. If the shouting ends when the cartoon is turned back on or leaving the playground is postponed, it is worth considering whether extending the activity may be reinforcing this pattern. This is not about assigning bad intentions to your child—it is about noticing what they may be learning in these situations.

Clear rules and warnings given in a similar way each time can help. They mean that the ending does not come completely out of the blue. Not every situation will be calm, but predictability often helps your child feel safer.

You can use a few simple approaches:

give advance warning: “We’re leaving in five minutes.”;
remind them closer to the end: “One last turn on the slide.”;
offer a limited choice: “Would you like to turn the cartoon off yourself, or should I do it?”;
use a timer or alarm if your child responds well to that kind of cue;
practise phrases such as: “I want more”, “Can I have it later?”, “One more minute”.

The boundary can still remain the same: the cartoon ends, and it is time to leave the playground. At the same time, your child can be supported through their disappointment. A brief, empathetic response—for example: “I can see that you want to stay. It is hard to stop playing. We are leaving now.”—is usually enough.

3. Your child may be trying to avoid a difficult task

Refusing to cooperate does not always mean laziness or a lack of willingness. Sometimes your child is pushing away something that feels too difficult, unclear, tiring or simply unpleasant. They may say “no”, walk away, delay following an instruction, cry or protest strongly.

Think about whether the difficulty tends to appear before particular situations. It may involve tidying up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, sitting at the table or a task that requires concentration. If the protest regularly begins just before such a moment, it is worth checking whether the expectation is too demanding for that day or stage of development.

Helpful questions include:

Does your child know exactly what they need to do?
Is the instruction short and specific?
Can the task be divided into smaller parts?
Is your child hungry, tired or irritable?
Are there too many distractions in the room?

If, after a strong protest, the task disappears or an adult does it for the child, your child may gradually begin to use this approach more often. This does not have to be planned behaviour. It may simply be a quick way to avoid something that feels impossible in that moment.

Try lowering the barrier to getting started. Instead of saying, “Tidy your whole room”, say: “Let’s put three blocks in the box together.” Once your child has started, it is easier to add another small step or take a short break.

Sensory overload: when everything feels like too much

Not every outburst is connected to refusing something or wanting to get something. Sometimes your child is simply tired from too many sounds, people, lights, touches and changes. In a shop, at a birthday party, in a crowded place or after an intense day, tension can rise quickly.

Overload can look different for every child. One child may start crying and seek a cuddle; another may become irritable, overexcited or try to escape to another room. There may also be difficulty following a simple instruction, covering their ears, throwing things or suddenly refusing an activity that had not previously caused any objections.

Before drawing conclusions, check a few basics:

whether the day has been especially intense;
whether your child has had time for movement and rest;
whether they are hungry, thirsty or overtired;
whether there is a lot of noise, people or rushing around in the environment;
whether they can move to a quieter place for a moment.

This does not mean that every protest is caused by overload. Sometimes your child genuinely does not want to stop playing or disagrees with a boundary. Still, it is worth noticing whether difficult reactions happen more often in noisy places, after a long day or when there have been lots of changes.

You can start with small changes: make the environment quieter, offer water, step aside for a moment, let your child move their body or prepare them for the next part of the day. A consistent rhythm and moments to pause will not solve everything, but they can often make it easier for your child to cope with tension.

Discomfort and needs your child cannot yet name

Your child cannot always say: “My tummy hurts”, “I’m too hot”, “I want a cuddle” or “I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do”. Instead, they may cry, push away, throw things or refuse to cooperate. This is a signal to pause and check their basic needs.

Sometimes the cause is very simple: lack of sleep, hunger, thirst, illness or uncomfortable clothing. At other times, a bigger change matters, such as starting at a new nursery, the arrival of a sibling, separation from a parent or a different daily routine. Your child may then need more closeness, predictability or help getting through the change.

It is worth noticing whether challenging behaviour happens more often after:

coming home from nursery or school;
a long journey or shopping trip;
a change in the daily plan;
an enjoyable activity coming to an end;
a difficult night;
a situation in which your child clearly does not understand something.

If you notice a sudden, marked change in behaviour, suspect pain, or the difficulties involve sleep, eating or everyday functioning, contact your paediatrician. If the problem continues, happens often or places a significant strain on family life, a consultation with a child psychologist may also be helpful.

How can you spot a repeating pattern?

You do not need to know straight away why your child shouts, hits or refuses. To start with, it is enough to make very brief notes for a few days. Record the situation in simple language, without judging yourself or your child.

For each more difficult moment, note three things:

What happened beforehand?

The time of day, place, noise, the end of play, an instruction, a change of plans, hunger, tiredness or the presence of other people.

What exactly did your child do?

For example: “shouted for three minutes”, “kicked the chair”, “ran away under the table” or “threw the remote control”.

What happened afterwards?

Did they get more attention, screen time, a snack, a break, help or the chance to leave the task?

An example note might look like this: “5:30 pm, after coming home from nursery. I asked my child to turn off the cartoon. They shouted, threw the remote control, and the cartoon was turned back on for a little longer.” This record is not meant to look for blame. It is meant to help you notice what you could change in a similar situation next time.

After a few days, you may notice that protests happen more often when play is ending, late in the afternoon or during tasks requiring concentration. You may also find that, in these moments, your child needs a shorter instruction, a moment to rest, more advance warning or help at the start of the task.

How can you test a hypothesis about the reason for behaviour?

A hypothesis is not a diagnosis or a certain answer to why your child did something. It is a working idea worth checking in several similar situations. An ABC diary: how to observe your child’s behaviour can help—record what happened before the behaviour, exactly what your child did and what happened afterwards.

Imagine that your child throws a toy. Throwing it alone does not yet tell you what caused it. Pay attention to the context and to what changes the situation:

Possible explanation: your child is seeking connection. Check whether they throw things more often when you are talking on the phone, caring for a sibling or absorbed in something else. Also observe whether, after your reaction, your child looks at you, comes closer or repeats the behaviour.
Possible explanation: they want to get something back or influence the situation. See whether the throwing happens after a toy is taken away, another item is refused or an activity ends. It also matters whether the protest eases when your child gets access again to what they wanted.
Possible explanation: they are trying to avoid something difficult. Check whether your child throws a toy immediately after being asked to tidy up, share it or follow another instruction. Notice whether, after throwing, the task is postponed, changed or taken over by an adult.
Possible explanation: they are overwhelmed or tired. Look at whether similar situations happen more often after a noisy day, in a crowd, at the end of the day or when your child struggles to follow even simple requests. Check whether a quieter place, water, rest or fewer sensory demands changes how the situation unfolds.

One observation is usually not enough. Compare several notes and look for repeating elements. If different patterns appear in different situations, throwing a toy may serve a different function depending on the day and circumstances.

What should you do when your child shouts, hits, throws things or runs away?

In the heat of the moment, you do not need to analyse the cause straight away. First, make sure everyone is safe—your child, other people and the surroundings. There will be time for conversation and learning a different way to respond later.

1. Make the situation safe

Move heavy or hard objects away, create more distance from siblings and reduce the number of people nearby. If you can, move to a quieter place or ask another adult for help. Fewer sensory demands often make it easier for a child to regain balance.

Physically stopping a child only makes sense when there is an immediate risk of someone being hurt or of the child running into a dangerous place. It should last only as long as necessary to keep everyone safe. It is not about punishment, struggling or showing who is in control.

2. Briefly state the boundary

When emotions are intense, long explanations usually do not get through. A calm, simple message in a low voice is enough. You might use phrases such as:

“I won’t let you hit.”
“I won’t let you throw things at people.”
“I’m going to stop this so everyone stays safe.”
“I’m here. I’ll help you calm down.”

The boundary can remain consistent even when the reasons for the behaviour differ. However, a child disappointed that playtime has ended needs different support from a child exhausted by noise or a difficult task.

3. Use fewer words and reduce extra demands

When tension is high, it is not the time for a lecture, questioning or negotiating. Ask fewer questions, make the environment quieter and give your child a moment. If possible, do not shame them in front of other people.

Avoid threats, shouting, smacking and long lectures. These reactions can raise tension even further. In that moment, calming the situation matters more than getting a quick apology or full understanding.

4. Return to it when things are calmer

When your child is speaking more quietly, breathing more easily and no longer trying to hurt anyone, briefly name what happened. You could say: “You were angry because we were finishing playtime. You threw a block.” Then suggest what they can do next time.

If the problem involved a task, return to it in a smaller version. Rather than expecting your child to tidy their whole room, ask them to put away one item. This gives your child a chance to come out of a difficult situation with support, rather than only with a sense of failure.

How can you teach your child other ways to respond?

It is easiest to practise new responses when things are calm. Do not wait until your child starts shouting or hitting again. In everyday moments, show them simple words, gestures and actions they can use later.

Choose a few phrases that fit your daily life. They might include: “help”, “more”, “break”, “I don’t want to”, “my turn”, “drink”, “it hurts”, “cuddle” or “quieter”. If your child is not yet speaking confidently, they can point to a picture, use a simple gesture or show you an object.

For hitting or throwing, it is also helpful to offer safe options for their body. You can practise:

holding up a hand for “stop”;
moving one step away;
coming to you for help;
squeezing a soft ball or cushion;
stomping their feet in an agreed, safe place;
saying: “I’m angry” or “I don’t want to”.

Build these practices into everyday situations. Briefly pause play and suggest: “If you want to carry on, you can say: more.” Before changing activities, ask: “Do you need help or one more minute?”, if you are able to offer that choice.

Notice even small attempts. If, instead of hitting, your child looks at you, says “no” or uses the “stop” gesture, name it straight away: “I can see you are trying to tell me what you need.” This helps your child notice that a calmer way of communicating can work too.

Summary: challenging behaviour is a signal, not a label

Your child’s behaviour does not define their character. It may point to a need for connection, a desire to continue an enjoyable activity, an attempt to avoid difficulty, or tiredness and overload. Rather than looking for one certain answer, it is worth exploring what is happening in each specific situation.

It helps to look at three things: what happened beforehand, exactly how your child behaved and what happened afterwards. Even a brief observation may show that particular times of day, noise, transitions between activities or demands that are too great are especially difficult.

Progress does not have to mean that protesting disappears completely. At first, you may see a shorter period of shouting, less throwing, a quicker return to calm or the first attempt to say, “help”. These are important changes too.

If these situations are frequent, exhausting or it is difficult to understand what triggers them, you can describe them in the BehaviorComplainer consultation form.

Sources

National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), “Challenging behaviour and learning disabilities: prevention and interventions”.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “Tips for Responding to Behavior”.
National Health Service (NHS), “Dealing with child behaviour problems”.

Why Does My Child Behave This Way? 5 Functions of Behaviour